


it's the hardest one to focus on

by arielmagicesi



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Canon Divergence, Ch 33 Rewrite, Ch 36 Rewrite, Ch 39 Rewrite, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, The Raven King Spoilers, like very slight canon divergence, like... too much fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7854388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arielmagicesi/pseuds/arielmagicesi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan's POV of the first kiss; Adam's POV of the Talk with Gansey; Ronan's POV of talking in the kitchen with Blue; and Adam's POV of the second kiss.<br/>I rewrote it to include a lot more dialogue, talking about feelings, more internal monologues, and changed some of the stuff that I didn't like to fix it. Very minor changes. Mostly just adding in stuff in between the lines.<br/>I hope you like it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's the hardest one to focus on

When Adam walked into the kitchen, he looked both more and less like a dream than usual. More like a dream in that he was far too lovely and made of light to have been naturally born; less like a dream in that he was real, real, real.

Something thrummed under Ronan’s skin. Things sucked when they were exactly the way he’d dreamed them, and today was nothing like the way he’d dreamed any of this- not the tentative truce between the Lynch brothers; not Orphan Girl in the flesh, chasing after Chainsaw in the living room; not Gansey and Blue, happy and together and intimately his best friends; not Adam, walking into the Barns both like he belonged there and like he was too good and too real to belong to a dream place.

Ronan caught Adam’s eye. Adam gave him a wry half-smile. Ronan could still hear the words _with a dreamer_ echoing in his head. He was trying not to obsess over them, but the way Adam had held his gaze over the lockers and smiled, broad and burning, did something to his internal organs that made it difficult to think about anything else.

But he did think about other things, of course- joining in different conversations as he walked around, explaining what was going on with Matthew. Matthew was helping him with the grill outside, and they’d run out of aluminum foil.

“Shit,” Ronan said. “This is gonna burn if we don’t get aluminum foil.”

“I think there’s some more in the kitchen,” Matthew said. “Or, well, I might have taken some and put it in my room for an art project.”

Not commenting on that second part, Ronan headed inside to the kitchen and banged around in the cabinets. The aluminum foil was nowhere to be found.

“Why isn’t it in _here?_ ” he said, exasperated, as Matthew walked inside.

Matthew shrugged.

“Jesus,” Ronan muttered, although he wasn’t very upset, and he hooked his fingers on the doorway of the dining room and peered in. Gansey and Blue were sitting there, talking quietly, and Adam was staring off into the distance.

“Parrish,” Ronan said. “Parrish. Would you see if you could find a damn roll of aluminum foil somewhere? Maybe in Matthew’s room.”

Adam glanced up, still looking lost in thought, nodded, and headed up the stairs.

“Why would aluminum foil be in Matthew’s room?” Blue asked, looking up at Ronan.

“Fuck if I know,” Ronan said.

She quirked her head to the side, looking suspicious, and Ronan glared at her.

“You and Gansey look cozy,” he said, mocking but friendly, and she turned red.

“Don’t be juvenile, Ronan,” Gansey said, but he was smiling. Clearly, he was happy to have his relationship with Blue out in the open. For the life of him, Ronan couldn’t understand why they’d kept it a secret for this long. Probably for Adam’s sake, but- had they thought that Adam would be jealous?

He hadn’t seemed to care, when they’d made their overdramatic display at the hospital yesterday. No one had really cared. Ronan wondered what that was like- being open and fully honest about secret, quiet feelings and having nobody care or be cruel.

Something about this afternoon felt lighter than air.

He wandered in and out of the kitchen. Adam still wasn’t back with the aluminum foil- it had been at least fifteen minutes.

Ronan glanced outside at Matthew, who was talking merrily with Declan, and back into the dining room where Blue and Gansey were being sickeningly affectionate, and then he headed up the stairs.

The door to his bedroom was slightly ajar. He could hear faint music coming out of it. When he got closer, he spotted Adam sitting on the bed.

He knocked gently on the open door.

Adam looked up. His expression was soft; his dusty hair lit like blades of wheat in the harvest sun.

They looked at each other for a moment. Ronan crossed the floor and sat next to Adam. He glanced down at Adam’s hands, playing with his dream toy car.

Ronan took it.

“This old thing,” he said, and turned the wheels in his hands, playing music he’d long forgotten, music woven from his young heartstrings.

Everything was impossibly soft.

He was aware of Adam sitting very close next to him. They were both quiet. Ronan’s chest was stirring, like a long drawn-out chord. He could feel Adam’s eyes, intense on him.

He badly wanted to kiss Adam.

He thought that it was possible Adam wanted to kiss him, too.

Adam was still staring at him, with the studying look he usually reserved for trees and tarot cards.

Light poured up from deep within Ronan into the place where he made his decisions. He let out a breath and set the car down on the mattress beside him.

He didn’t want to stop himself before he did it. He lifted his hand to Adam’s cheek, looked into Adam’s eyes for a moment, then leaned in and kissed him.

It was nothing like he’d dreamed.

Adam didn’t move away. He pressed forward delicately toward Ronan, making Ronan’s breath catch. Ronan felt everything a thousand times more than he normally did.

Adam hadn’t moved away.

Seconds later, or perhaps an hour later, perhaps time had been all bundled up and smoothed out like when they were in Cabeswater- seconds later, Ronan pulled softly away.

His eyes were still closed. He heard Adam sigh, then, before he’d pulled away more than a few inches, Adam closed the gap between them again.

_God._

If Ronan’s last feeling was Adam’s lips against his, Adam’s hand touching his cheek, he would be OK with that.

He felt this too much.

He could still feel it when he sat back again, and it took a few seconds of recovery, of not believing, of believing, before he could open his eyes.

Adam was looking at him. It was a futile task to try and translate his expression. They were both looking at each other somewhat searchingly.

Ronan stood up, still looking at Adam, and Adam was looking back.

Neither of them said anything. There was too much to say and saying anything now would be pointless. Ronan knew how Adam’s mind worked; he didn’t expect him to say yes or no immediately.

But he’d kissed him back. And the way he was looking at Ronan now-

Ronan felt like he’d woken up for the first time.

Adam looked like he was trying to think. Ronan had thought, a few months ago, that he would never be patient enough to put up with Adam’s thinking, but he felt patient now.

“I’m gonna go downstairs,” he said.

Adam nodded shakily, then said, “OK.”

They shared a last, lingering look, and then Ronan turned and headed out the door.

Now that he was moving, he couldn’t stop moving. He was filled with nervous energy. He rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Ronan!” called Blue’s voice from the dining room. “Finally, what took so long? Did you get the aluminum-”

The screen door closed behind Ronan as he headed onto the porch.

“Hey, Ronan,” Matthew said amiably. “I turned off the grill because it started burning- hey, where are you going?”

He knew he wasn’t going to stop until he was as close as he could get to the sky, because right now he felt like he was flying, and his body wanted to be honest to his mind.

The late October grass in the Barns was greener and softer than late October grass in the rest of Virginia, but it was still fairly dry under his bare feet. He was glad to get to one of the small equipment sheds, where he climbed up onto the roof and finally, finally settled down.

He was awake.

 

Adam released a long breath. Then he leaned over himself, on his elbows, and then he gave in and collapsed backwards against Ronan’s bed.

It felt slightly awkward to be lying on Ronan’s bed two minutes after kissing him for the first time, but Adam was too overwhelmed to sit up straight.

  1. _Breathe. For fuck’s sake. Think._



Adam was familiar with the sensation of being unable to think properly, but he’d never experienced it after kissing someone, at least, not to this extent. It made this situation unreasonably difficult. If he could only sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and maybe a couple of hours and possibly not having the threat of Gansey’s death and the decay of Cabeswater looming over his head-

First things first, he was going to catch his breath.

Once he did that, he sat up. It was easier to think without Ronan standing in front of him, half in light and half in shadow, pulling Adam’s gaze like a magnet and distracting him from being able to focus on the matter at hand.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it before. Of _course_ he’d thought about it before- he’d known for a long time now how Ronan felt. He hadn’t been quite sure about the extent of it, but he knew damn well that if Ronan had gone so far as to kiss him, then he was serious about this. Ronan might have been reckless, but he didn’t play around with feelings.

Ronan felt something for him that Adam wasn’t sure if he could reciprocate. And how selfish it would be to go downstairs and take Ronan and kiss him again, like a good part of him desperately wanted to, when he had the power to break Ronan’s heart between his hands.

Adam was terrified of breaking Ronan’s heart. The thought of it spilled over him, cold, and broke him out of his airy, light trance.

He had to take this seriously.

He realized that it had been more than half an hour since he’d gone upstairs. Oh, God. Gansey and Blue were probably wondering where the hell he’d gotten to, and what he was doing. He was sure it would be written all over his face.

When he came downstairs and sat down in the dining room, across from Blue and Gansey, trying to be as nonchalant as humanly possible, Blue looked up from where her fingers were intertwined with Gansey’s on the table and said, “What the hell took you so long?”

Adam’s face warmed. He cleared his throat and said, “Nothing.”

Blue lifted an eyebrow and glanced at Gansey, who was still studying her hands, then glanced back at Adam. His face grew warmer.

“I mean, I couldn’t find the aluminum foil,” he said. “This house is a mess.”

Blue paused for a bit, and Adam knew she didn’t believe him, but she said graciously, “No surprise there.”

Then she added, “Gansey, what are you doing?”

“I, um,” he stuttered, taking his hand out of hers. “I- Adam, I hope it doesn’t bother you-”

“Jesus,” Adam said, relieved to be talking about them and not him. “Do I have to give you my official blessing? You can hold hands if you’d like.”

Gansey released a breath.

“I know,” he said. “It’s just- we’ve gone so long keeping it a secret.”

Adam reached unconsciously for the part of himself that had been bitter that Blue and Gansey had lied to him for so long, but found that it was no longer there. He was happy for his best friend, and happy for Blue, who was also one of his best friends now.

He wondered how it was so easy for them. He wondered if Gansey had spent ages turning it over in his head. He wondered if they were terrified at the prospect of hurting each other. Probably it was different for them- Blue could kill Gansey with one kiss. How was it so easy for them? To just decide they liked each other and be together. How much analysis and thought had gone into it?

What was the thought process behind deciding somebody was your true love?

God. This was ridiculous. _True love_ wasn’t a tangible concept, wasn’t a law or theory that he could pick apart. But he really, really wished it was. He really wished that he could line up everything he felt about Ronan and compare it to a list of characteristics of love and see if they matched.

Did it _have_ to be true love? It had to be love, at least. He’d never been in a position like this before. When he’d dated other people before, it had been enough to know that he wanted to make out with them and felt a little spark of wanting to spend time with them and see their smiles and hear their laughs. He’d never thought about love before.

Now, he thought, it had to be love. There was no playing around here. He didn’t want to mess with Ronan. He didn’t want to do this unless he meant it.

How was he supposed to tell if he meant it?

Adam really wished that he’d spent more time analyzing during those nights when he had quiet fantasies and those days when he stole glances at Ronan and those long hours at the Barns when he’d felt things he hadn’t bothered to try and understand.

He probably should have taken notes.

Declan told them dinner was ready, about twenty minutes later, and brought some food in. Matthew came in as well, defusing some of the odd tension in the air.

“Do you know where Ronan is?” Gansey asked. “He went outside and never came back.”

Declan shook his head. “Who knows with him? Jesus. I’m gonna go look for him.”

Adam stared down at the table, intentionally rewriting his face to look unsuspicious.

Gansey noticed, of course, and when Declan had left he said carefully, “You two didn’t fight again, did you?”

“What?” Adam said quickly. “No. No, it’s- it’s fine, Gansey. Nothing, um.”

_Great word choice, Parrish._

“I think,” Gansey said, “that we should all put aside any conflicts we have, for tonight. Considering everything that’s going on.”

Adam resisted rolling his eyes- he’d _told_ Gansey that they hadn’t fought, why didn’t Gansey ever believe him- and said, “Yeah, I agree.”

They ate dinner, talking idly about Henry Cheng, whom Blue now apparently loved. Adam wasn’t fond of his trashy rich boy attitude, but he figured if Blue had been able to tolerate it, there was probably at least _something_ else to his personality. That, or she was so head-over-heels for Gansey that she was willing to put up with anything.

The screen door closed in the kitchen sometime after the sun had set, and Adam tensed. Declan and Ronan walked in, and Adam looked up.

He caught Ronan’s eye, both of them looking meaningfully at each other, and then Ronan sat down next to him and said, “Can you believe Declan nearly fell off the fucking roof of one of our sheds? It was like watching Gansey try to have a normal conversation.”

Both Gansey and Declan made irritated remarks at this, and Adam stifled a laugh.

The tension in him relaxed.

They all ate dinner, and Adam didn’t want to analyze his feelings, he just wanted to take this in. This evening was full of magic and dreams and beautiful imaginary light and the electricity of Ronan’s knee brushing against his when they sat on the couch and oh my god he needed to analyze this.

More important right now was everything else that was going on. The thoughts about Ronan shelved themselves neatly in the back of Adam’s mind while they discussed Cabeswater, the ley line, what Declan had revealed, the supernatural artifacts dealers, the safety of Henrietta, Henry Cheng’s secret.

At that last one, Ronan had made a nasty remark about Henry’s ethnicity, which Adam had laughed at, because he couldn’t help himself, and Blue had said sharply, “That’s not funny, assholes.”

“Aw, come on, Sargent, it was a joke,” Ronan said.

“Yeah, well, _jokes_ aren’t supposed to fuel institutions of oppression,” she said. Gansey looked incredibly worried, and said, “Let’s not fight-”

She turned on him too and said, a little less harshly than she’d been speaking to Ronan, “Henry’s my friend. I think I have every right to defend him.”

Then to Ronan again, “You don’t have to love him, but don’t be a racist shitbag.”

Ronan looked irritated, and Blue gave him a challenging glare. Adam said, because he knew that Blue was right and he felt rather ashamed of himself, “You’re right, Blue. No- she’s right,” he said as an aside to Ronan, “I wouldn’t like it if you made a joke about how much money I have.”

Gansey gave Ronan a pointed look, and Ronan said, a little reluctantly, “Fine, Sargent, you’re right, it was a shitty joke. So what, Henry’s part of this magic artifact shit?”

Lots of things were revealed then, in the night for truth. When Ronan told them he’d dreamt Cabeswater, Adam once again felt that strange, shimmering awe- not just that he had the power to dream whole forests, but that he had the quieter power to have trusted Adam with it.

It was late by the time Ronan and Blue walked into the kitchen, and Ronan was laughing, and Adam felt a small smile slip over his face.

Gansey was standing across from him, looking radiant.

He had to talk about this with someone.

He figured Gansey at least knew what love was supposed to be.

“Gansey,” he said quietly. “You know about Blue’s curse, right?”

Gansey looked back at him. His expression had changed. Probably he thought that Adam was asking out of some strange leftover jealousy or bitterness.

“I do,” he said.

“Do you think it applies to you?”

Gansey was careful when he replied, “I think so.”

Adam glanced back- he didn’t want Blue to have to overhear this discussion, and he certainly didn’t want Ronan to overhear it. Something about this felt furtive and cold, two academics scheming over definitions.

When he’d reassured himself that they were out of earshot, he turned back to Gansey and said, “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“The curse says you’re _her_ true love. What about you? Do you love _her?_ ” He wondered if he should have taken a more direct approach. But that wouldn’t give him an honest answer. If Gansey knew the real reason why he was asking, it would become about Ronan, about Gansey’s incessant need to protect him, and Adam just wanted the truth.

“Yes,” Gansey answered, without hesitation.

How did he do that? How could he just _know?_

Adam was intense when he asked his follow-up questions. “What does that _mean?_ How did you know it was different than just being her friend?”

Gansey’s eyes narrowed. Adam could tell he suspected something, but wasn’t sure what.

“I suppose…” And his voice sounded like a poem. “…she makes me quiet. Like Henrietta.”

_Quiet. Like Henrietta_. Adam turned the words over in his head once. Nope, they weren’t helpful.

“That’s it?” he asked. “It’s that simple?”

“I don’t _know,_ Adam!” Gansey was exasperated now. “You’re asking me to define an abstract concept that no one has managed to explain since time began. You sort of sprang it on me.” That was fair. “Why do we breathe air? Because we love air? Because we don’t want to suffocate. Why do we eat? Because we don’t want to starve. How do I know I love her? Because I can sleep after I talk to her.”

Gansey’s eyes were glowing, and Adam knew that every word he said was filled with truth. He considered for the first time how much Gansey felt for Blue, more than he himself had ever felt for her.

“Why?” Gansey asked.

“Nothing,” Adam said quickly, which he regretted instantly- that was an obvious lie. He knew it was time to be honest. He knew that this train of conversation was going nowhere. Maybe love was different for every person. Maybe it needed context to be explained.

Gansey gave him a dubious look and said, “I thought this was a night for truth.”

“Ronan kissed me,” Adam said. It spilled out immediately, because he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Gansey didn’t say anything, just stared. Adam added, “I also kissed him.”

“Jesus,” Gansey breathed. “Christ.”

He was wearing his trying-not-to-offend face, the one he often wore when he talked to Blue. It was exhausting to watch.

“Are you surprised?” Adam asked, although he knew the answer. He wondered if Gansey had known that Ronan was gay, and he was sure that Gansey had never considered Adam being bi. He wondered if Gansey had noticed anything between them over the last few months.

“No,” Gansey said. Then, “Yes. I don’t know. I’ve been given about one thousand surprises today and so I can’t tell anymore. Were _you_ surprised?”

“No,” Adam said, then added, because they were also both true, “Yes. I don’t know.”

Gansey was staring at the wall behind Adam, looking thoughtful. Adam was restless; he just wanted an answer. He thought at some point they’d have the time to discuss this at length, but right now he needed a definition.

When Gansey looked up, he said, “Don’t break him, Adam.”

“I’m not an idiot, Gansey,” Adam snapped, because that remark was exactly what he would have expected from Gansey six months ago and precisely what he didn’t need now.

“I’m serious. He’s not as tough as he seems.”

“Do you think I don’t fucking know that?” Adam said. He’d had enough. “Can you not make this about your overprotective bullshit for once? I’m your friend and I’m asking you for advice.”

“Forgive me for being worried,” Gansey said. “He’s not as tough as he looks.”

“You said that already.” The cord of worry that had been tugging at Adam since Ronan had left his room snapped, and his next words were not sharp, but broken. “That’s what you think of me, isn’t it? Someone who’ll hurt no matter what he does. You think I couldn’t possibly- I couldn’t possibly-”

_I couldn’t possibly feel the same way he does._

Adam expected Gansey to look hurt, to get defensive, but instead Gansey’s face grew soft.

“That’s not what I meant,” Gansey said. “God, Adam, that’s not- I’m sorry.”

Adam stared down at his hands working over themselves, face red- of course he’d ruined the evening.

“I think,” Gansey said, “that you know him better than I do. But I’ve known him longer. I just want you to be careful, that’s all.”

“That’s why I asked you for advice, Gansey.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have said that. God.” Gansey was rubbing his hand over his head, then he looked up and said, “All I want is for both of you to be happy. You know that, right?”

Adam looked off to the side.

“I know,” he said quietly.

“I can’t tell you what you feel.”

“I _know_.”

“Then you have to figure it out for yourself. And I know,” Gansey said quickly, before Adam could interrupt him, “that you’ve already been trying to do that. I know that the way you work is with logic, but perhaps you should consider not thinking about it so much. Just see how you feel.”

“How do I _do_ that?” Why was everything he said so vague?

Gansey sighed.

“You be honest with yourself,” he said. “That’s all you can do.”

Honest.

Honesty, he could do.

“I think,” Adam said carefully, “that’s what I needed to hear.”

“I do my best,” Gansey said, which amused Adam highly, because it was such a pretentious thing to say, and filled him with an exasperated affection for his best friend.

“I know,” Adam said. “Thanks.”

They stood there quietly for a bit, and Adam could hear Blue and Ronan talking with Orphan Girl in the kitchen. It was so light and lovely, and Adam wanted to fall into it.

Gansey was looking out into the night like he wanted to conquer it.

“I think it’s time to find Glendower,” he said.

Adam said, “I think you’re right.”

 

Once Ronan and Blue were in the kitchen, Blue started to wash the dishes before Ronan said, “Fuck that, Sargent, leave them. You’re a guest, you’re not supposed to help.”

“That doesn’t line up with any kind of manners I’ve ever known,” Blue said, but she left the dishes and leaned back against the counter.

Ronan glanced back into the living room. He could see Adam and Gansey standing at the far end of it. There was still a little nervous energy running through him.

He felt unbearably happy and terrified at the same time.

“Ronan?” Blue asked. “Come back to earth.”

Ronan turned to look at her and said, “I can’t get as close to earth as you are, midget.”

“Hilarious,” Blue said drily.

She was studying her nails, which were painted in chipped green polish, and something about her looked sad. Possibly the stitched-up eyelid.

“Is your eye OK?” he asked, not bothering to try and sound cruel and unfeeling, because he was beginning to think that he and Blue were friends now.

She shrugged. “It’s kind of giving me a headache.” Then she gave him a look and said, “Don’t sacrifice yourself to try and get me an eye cream, you know.”

“Like I care,” Ronan said.

She smiled. “Uh-huh. Pretend like you don’t care. You’re always dreaming up nice stuff for us. You secretly care about all of us, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m a fucking softie,” Ronan said, rolling his eyes.

Blue tried to hoist herself up to sit onto the countertop, but she was too short. Ronan headed over and lifted her up, and she yelped in protest.

“Do _not_ manhandle me- Ronan!”

“Just trying to help,” he said, grinning evilly.

“Asshole.”

She crossed her arms and sat back against the cabinets. Now they were at eye level, and he could see that she looked curious, like she was going to ask him something.

“What?” he said, because he wanted to get it over with, if she was going to ask him for advice about Gansey or about how he’d dreamt Cabeswater or what the fuck ever.

Blue tilted her head questioningly. “What’s going on with you?” she asked. “Like, this whole afternoon you’ve been acting weird.”

Ronan scowled. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“That’s what I’m asking you, dipshit.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Fine, whatever, maybe I was worried about you,” she said, looking petulant.

Ronan was touched by this aggressive and deflecting display of giving a shit.

“Thanks,” he said.

Then he looked down at the ground, because he hadn’t realized it had been so obvious that he’d spent the entire afternoon agonizing about what had happened with Adam.

He wanted to give Adam as much space and as much time as he needed; he thought he’d be willing to wait forever. But also, he wasn’t willing to wait forever, and now that he’d felt what it was to kiss Adam Parrish he needed to know as soon as possible whether he was going to do it again.

He wanted to be close to him. Just sitting next to each other on the couch had driven him crazy. He was strangely and inexplicably happy every time he caught sight of Adam or touched him even lightly.

Of course, of _course_ , it would be tonight. The night before the world would end or begin again. Which meant it was now or never, he figured.

“You’re doing it again,” Blue said. “What the hell are you thinking about?”

He glanced back at Blue and said, “You dated Parrish.”

Her face grew annoyed. “Do you _have_ to bring it up?”

“Yeah, I know, you’re with Gansey now and you’re in love and gross shit, whatever,” he said.

“Mature,” Blue said sarcastically.

“Fuck you, I’m very mature.”

“If you were mature, you would just tell me what this was about.”

Well, if anyone was capable of talking about this without being annoying, it was Sargent.

“I kissed Adam,” he said.

Her eyebrows rose a little, but she didn’t look surprised or horrified. That was a relief.

“Well, that explains why it took you half an hour to find aluminum foil,” she said.

“Fuck you,” he said again, without any harshness.

Blue leaned forward on her elbows and said, “So. What do you want from me?”

“You wanted to know what was going on. I told you.”

“Fair enough,” she said. She glanced back into the living room, where Adam and Gansey were talking quietly out of earshot, then looked back and asked, “Did he kiss you back?”

Ronan looked away, not sure if he could look Blue in the eye while talking about this, and said, “Yeah.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well. That’s good, I guess.”

Ronan nodded.

“How long has this been going on?” she asked. She looked a lot more serious now that they were actually having a conversation.

“Since this fucking afternoon.”

“No, I mean, how long has there been, like, _something_ between you?”

“What, you think we snuck around holding hands for three months like you and Dick?”

Blue turned red. “I’m trying to help, you asshole.”

Ronan looked back at the floor, then back up at Blue, and said, “I don’t know how long it’s been going on. I know…”

God, how had he gotten stuck talking about his feelings?

“A while,” he finished sheepishly. “For… for me, anyway. I don’t know about him. I guess he might have… I mean, he knew. About me.”

“Use your words, Ronan,” Blue said.

He glared at her.

“I’m serious. Do you think I’m judging you or something? You don’t have to be embarrassed. I mean, I’m dating _Gansey_.”

Ronan laughed at that. “I guess that’s true.”

This was incredibly unusual for him. He had, in fact, been worried that she would judge him. He’d never told anyone about being gay before, precisely because no one had ever thought it was just something simple. Not his family, for sure, or the church, or any Aglionby boy. He didn’t hate himself for it but he didn’t expect anyone not to hate him for it, just like with his dreaming.

“Hey,” Blue said, upon seeing the expression on Ronan’s face. “Just so you know. I think you two would be good together.”

Ronan turned red and tried to cover it with another glare.

“Good for me, maybe,” he said.

He was sure he didn’t deserve someone like Adam.

“Not true,” Blue said. “I mean… yes, you’re an insufferable asshole-”

“Thanks, Sargent.”

“-but you’re a good person. I told you, you _do_ care about all of us. Even me.”

She gave him a cheesy smile, and he relented and smiled back.

“If you hurt him at all, I’ll hunt you down and kill you,” she added.

“Jesus Christ, Sargent,” Ronan said, but he was still smiling.

Blue glanced back into the living room again, then said, “He’s doing the thing where he overthinks it, right?”

Ronan shrugged. “I mean. I don’t really mind.”

She gave him a look like someone would give a cute animal, like she was impressed by this, and he instantly said, “You look like a fucking dumbass.”

Blue laughed. She said, “It’ll work out. I’m sure it will.”

Then, before he could respond, she leaned forward and gave him a hug. He lifted her off the counter again and she protested again.

The sound of hooves clattering into the kitchen led Ronan to put Blue down on the floor again. Orphan Girl wandered over. She’d gotten more comfortable with the real world, but not comfortable enough to interact with anyone except Ronan and occasionally Adam and even less occasionally Matthew.

“Hello,” Blue said tentatively.

Orphan Girl looked up at her, gave her a once-over, and then stuck her tongue out.

Blue cracked up. “She really is like you, huh?”

“Shut up, Sargent,” Ronan said, leaning down. Orphan Girl clung to his side. She stuck Adam’s watch in her mouth- it was covered in spit and teeth marks now.

She said something in the dream language to Ronan. He sighed, about to correct her, and she repeated herself in Latin- something disparaging about Blue.

“What is she saying?” Blue asked.

“You don’t want to know,” Ronan said. Then he added to Orphan Girl, “She’s nice, even if she looks like a maggot.”

“Hey!”

Then, “Gansey, finally. Are we gonna go?”

Ronan looked up. Gansey and Adam had walked into the kitchen. Ronan didn’t miss how Adam’s eyes were drawn to him and Orphan Girl on the floor, though possibly that was because Orphan Girl was mauling his watch.

Gansey looked at Ronan with something strange in his eyes, like he’d never quite seen him like this before.

“Yes, we’re going,” he said. “I think you should get some rest, Jane, for your eye.”

“Yeah, it’s killing me,” Blue said. She walked over and grabbed her jacket and her bag, then looked back at Ronan and gave him a meaningful look.

He glared back at her.

“Good night, then,” Adam said. His hands were restless.

“Yes, good night,” Gansey said. “I’ll call you in the afternoon, we’ll make some more plans about what to do about Cabeswater.”

Adam nodded.

Blue and Gansey left, and Orphan Girl cantered into the dining room, where Chainsaw was. That left Adam and Ronan standing in the kitchen, looking at each other.

Ronan wasn’t sure if Adam was done deciding yet.

“I’m going outside,” he said. “To the- to the porch.”

“OK,” Adam said.

 

_Be honest with yourself_.

That was easy. He could list facts and he could list truths.

One truth he knew: he didn’t know what love was. He wasn’t going to figure it out anytime soon. Hell, he didn’t know if he was even capable of feeling love.

Outside the glass sliding door, he could see hundreds of fireflies. No, not hundreds. Dozens, maybe. There were so many lights out there.

Little dots of light were blooming on every one of Adam’s ribs.

It was absurd to believe that anything in this place was real, and yet it was. If magic could be real, then Adam could be capable of being in love.

He took a long, shuddering breath and walked outside.

The door closed behind him. Ronan looked back for a second. His expression was stripped raw, like a live wire. It looked more like another one of those fireflies to Adam.

Adam figured he should say something, or do something. But he still didn’t know what; he still wasn’t sure if he was making the wrong decision.

Because he knew what decision he _wanted_ to make, he knew what decision he could see himself making, he knew what decision every bit of him was aching to make, but he didn’t know if it was right.

Was that love? A decision you wanted to make? You could want to make decisions and they could be wrong. Adam had wanted to sacrifice himself to Cabeswater, had felt the love that washed over him when he’d done it, and now he worried it had only led to harm.

Was love what Gansey felt for Glendower, leading him straight towards his destiny? But that, too, could end in his death.

Was love what Ronan felt for Adam?

In the distance, three deer appeared, just at the edge of where the light touched by the tree line. Adam knew without asking that they were Ronan’s dream things.

They were beautiful.

Did it matter if he was in love? If he wanted to spend every second possible with Ronan, if he wanted to be as close to him as he could, if he wanted to protect him and care for him and live with him and wake up next to him, and _yes,_ he wanted that, and Adam knew _want_ and he knew that he wanted that. If he wanted all that, was that enough, or did he have to be in love too?

He didn’t know.

“Adam?”

In an instant, all the questions were swept away.

Adam said in a low voice, “This is what I want.”

“What?” Ronan said softly, turning to him.

“ _This,_ ” Adam said, and he crossed the distance between them and took Ronan’s shoulders and pressed him against the column holding up the porch, and he kissed him.

Then everything was alive- their hands, their mouths, their racing heartbeats. Adam had not realized until that moment how _much_ he needed this and now that he was in it, he needed more and more and impossibly more. He grabbed at Ronan’s face, nearly trying to devour him. Dimly he thought he ought to be soft, the way Ronan had been before, but it was impossible.

Ronan’s hands came to Adam’s ribs and pulled him in closer. _Good_ , Adam thought. That was what he’d wanted.

They were both hungry animals.

Ronan pulled back, breathing heavily, and gasped out, “Parrish, give me a fucking second… to catch my breath.”

Adam stared into his eyes, overwhelmed by how simultaneously dark and bright they were, and then he started kissing every inch of Ronan’s jaw, the stubble a little rough under his lips. He didn’t want to take a break.

“You done catching your breath yet?” he asked, his mouth finding its way back to Ronan’s.

“Jesus,” Ronan breathed, laughing.

Adam laughed too, because it was ridiculous, and he had never felt anything like this before.

He leaned in to kiss Ronan again, and he was a bit softer this time, having quieted the initial burst of hunger. He let his tongue brush against Ronan’s bottom lip, and felt Ronan’s breath hitch again.

This was overwhelming.

Ronan was clearly going to pass out if Adam didn’t let him catch his breath again, so Adam pulled away and kissed his cheek and then to his ear, because he didn’t want to pull away, he wanted to be as close as he possibly could.

Their chests were pressed close against each other, and Adam could feel Ronan’s heartbeat, faster than his own but not by much.

When Ronan’s breathing finally slowed, and his hands stopped gripping Adam’s hips like a lifeline and instead relaxed, Adam said close to his ear, “We should go inside.”

“Yeah,” Ronan said, voice still a little hoarse.

Adam finally pulled away. He realized he was smiling, a laughing sort of smile that came breathlessly, and he realized it was because he was unbelievably, senselessly happy.

“Come on,” he said, reaching for Ronan’s hand, who took it with a look that was something like awe.

They slipped into the house. Adam looked over into the dining room, where Orphan Girl had stolen a pillow from somewhere in the house and made herself a makeshift bed on the floor, where she now was curled asleep peacefully.

Ronan shut the door behind him.

The light was an October interior sort of light, the kind Adam had never known, the kind that undoubtedly signified home.

He led Ronan wordlessly to the couch, where they both sat down next to each other and didn’t say anything.

“Should…” Ronan said hesitantly. “Should we dream or something? Some repairs for Cabeswater?”

“Fuck dreaming,” Adam said, leaning in to kiss him again. Ronan responded eagerly, not very well, fairly messily, but Adam didn’t really care. For the first time he understood books and movies that gushed about feeling more than the need for physical touch for another person. He only wanted to kiss Ronan so he could be close to him.

Although, it was intensely nice physically, too.

They broke apart again, and Ronan was smiling softly, but still a little unsure.

Adam wanted to make him sure.

“So,” he said, with their faces still close. He felt a little on fire with his eyes this close to Ronan’s- normally when they looked at each other it was from a bit further away. “Are we… I dunno. _Seeing_ each other now?”

“Don’t use Gansey terminology, weirdo,” Ronan said, laughing.

“But are we?” Adam pressed.

“Do you want to?” Ronan asked delicately.

“Yeah,” Adam said.

“Then yeah,” Ronan said. “Don’t have to make a fucking big deal out of it.”

“I wasn’t,” Adam said.

They were still both smiling soft and bright against each other.

Adam took Ronan’s face in his hands and kissed him again. It was going to be a while before he could take a prolonged break from it. He wondered how exactly they were going to get anything done with Cabeswater, then he stopped thinking about Cabeswater and pushed Ronan until Ronan was lying back on the couch and Adam was lying on top of him.

“God,” Ronan breathed, looking up at him with eyes wide.

Adam ran his hands over each line in Ronan’s face, glad to get the excuse to study it. They kept staring into each other’s eyes. Adam almost liked looking into Ronan’s eyes more than he liked kissing him.

“Your eyes are beautiful,” he said, because he figured now he could get away with it, if they were dating or whatever.

Ronan snorted. “Fucking nerd.”

Adam gave him a withering look. “Oh, what? So you don’t think my eyes are beautiful?”

“I wouldn’t _say_ it.”

“Why not?” Adam said, and he leaned in close to press kisses at the corners of Ronan’s eyelids, pleased when he heard Ronan’s breath hitch. “Thought you liked telling the truth.”

“Yeah, but-” Ronan’s breath caught again when Adam ran a hand over the back of his head. “Whatever, Parrish.”

Adam laughed, burying his face in between Ronan’s neck and his shoulder. It was a warm bubbling feeling to be able to laugh and press his skin to Ronan’s at the same time. He’d been wanting so long to be able to get away with it, and he hadn’t even let himself get away with wanting it.

It was a little bit terrifying. This was not how he operated- getting what he wanted without paying for it. Being happy without a reason.

Ronan made it so easy not to need a reason.

He kissed a little messily over Ronan’s neck. Ronan was breathing hard again. Adam ran his hands over Ronan’s chest above his shirt.

He’d never taken off someone’s shirt while making out with them. He wondered if it was as big of a deal when it was another guy. He didn’t really care if it was a big deal.

“Can I take your shirt off?” he asked, and Ronan made a sound like a strangled gasp.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Parrish,” he said. “Slow down.”

“Sorry,” Adam said, grinning down at Ronan and not sorry at all.

Ronan grinned back up at him and pulled his shirt over his head.

Adam stared openly, shamelessly at Ronan’s bare chest. Now he was breathing hard. Fuck. The doubts that had been lingering in the back of his mind about whether he was actually bisexual or he was kidding himself fell away.

“Done staring yet?” Ronan said, his bravado diminished by the fact that he was still breathless.

“No,” Adam said. “Turn around.”

“Jesus,” Ronan said, his eyes wide.

“I mean,” Adam said, turning red, “I want to look at your tattoo.”

Ronan was still looking into his eyes. It was nearly unbearably intimate.

“Sure,” he said finally, and flipped himself over so Adam could see his tattoo.

Adam had never seen it this up close. If he ever did get a glimpse of it, it was while Ronan was walking around, and certainly he’d never let himself stare at it like this. He’d daydreamed enough about tracing it, for sure, with his hands and with his mouth. But he hadn’t realized quite how alive it was. Like an optical illusion. It was thrilling- a puzzle all over Ronan’s back, one that Adam wanted to spend years solving.

He was practically straddling Ronan’s back, which was turning him on even more than the thought of solving a puzzle. He didn’t want to go too fast and scare Ronan off, although from what he could tell, Ronan wasn’t likely to be scared off easy.

Still, this was a night for magic.

Adam stretched out a hand and began tracing the lines of Ronan’s tattoo. The hooks and edges and vines. He tried to discern patterns, but they were too complicated. One impossible, beautiful object led into another into another into another. Ronan was breathing hard underneath him. This was intense and trusting and so, so much.

When Adam gave in and leaned down to kiss an inky rose, Ronan let out a sigh and turned himself back around to face him.

He looked flushed and warm and undone.

He stared at Adam and said, “I change my mind. Your eyes are beautiful.”

Adam smiled. He was also blushing.

“And your hands,” Ronan added. He took both of Adam’s hands gently in his own and then brought them, impossibly softly, to his mouth.

The intensity melted into a pale light that Adam only recognized from earlier that day in Ronan’s bedroom. Involuntarily, he sighed.

“Adam,” Ronan whispered against his hands, kissing each finger reverently.

Whatever Adam was feeling, it almost hurt.

There weren’t really words to express what he felt, and he wasn’t sure if there were actions, either. He reached in his mind until he found a Latin phrase.

“ _Unguibus et rostro,_ ” Adam said. _Claws and beak_. Like Ronan’s tattoo. Like the intensity of this night. Like a dreamt raven. Like the intensity of what he felt.

Ronan gazed up at him and slid Adam’s thumb slightly into his mouth. Adam bit back a desperate, needy noise.

“This is what I want, too,” Ronan said, echoing Adam’s words from the porch.

“I know,” Adam said. “You weren’t exactly subtle.”

“Asshole,” Ronan said, but he smiled and kept kissing Adam’s fingers, sucking on them a little, which was too much for Adam.

Finally Adam leaned in to start kissing him again. He trailed his hands over Ronan’s bare scalp, which made Ronan hum against Adam’s mouth, and Ronan’s hands tangled in Adam’s hair, which made Adam kiss him harder.

Adam thought he wouldn’t mind doing this for days on end.

After a long while, they were both tired, and Adam let himself rest his head on Ronan’s chest. Ronan, carefully, stroked Adam’s hair.

“What made you decide?” Ronan asked, after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“Decide what?” Adam asked.

“You know. This.”

Adam looked up at him. Ronan looked down.

“Well,” Adam said. “I thought about how you’re a difficult, annoying asshole.”

“ _That’s_ what did it? I should have been an asshole more often.”

“If you’d let me finish,” Adam said, rolling his eyes. “I mean that _despite_ you being a difficult, annoying asshole, I…”

He still wasn’t sure of a concrete answer. But now that he’d spent more than an hour tangled up in Ronan, he was surer than ever that he never wanted to stop.

“I’m happy when I’m with you,” he said finally. “I don’t even have to think about it.”

Ronan looked at him with a look Adam didn’t understand, like he was something magnificent.

“I’m happy with you, too,” Ronan said, very quietly, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to say it.

It was strange to have it all out in the open. Adam thought again of what Gansey had said- _this is a night for truth_.

Honesty was a lot more enjoyable tonight than it sometimes was the rest of the time.

Adam kept looking into Ronan’s eyes.

Then he yawned- the clock was creeping past midnight- and Ronan said, “You should sleep.”

“No, I want to stay here,” Adam said.

“Stubborn shit,” Ronan said.

Adam laid his head in the crook of Ronan’s neck and closed his eyes, breathing in Ronan’s scent, of gasoline and grass and sweat and smoke and something undefinable that reminded Adam of Cabeswater. It was incredibly soothing, and Adam was nearly falling asleep when Ronan said, “Seriously. Adam. Come on, you can sleep in Declan’s room.”

Adam nodded, too exhausted to argue, and he leaned up to give Ronan another soft kiss before he climbed off of him.

“Good night,” he said, still not wanting to leave but also falling asleep on his feet.

“Night, Parrish,” Ronan said, gazing up at him still.

When Adam fell asleep, he could still feel Ronan’s warmth on every inch of his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> i can't believe I got to write the words "which was turning him on even more than the thought of solving a puzzle" in regards to Adam Parrish lol  
> additional notes:  
> -that was my initial interpretation of "unguibus et rostro"- that it was kind of to do with the fact that they were both hungry animals with claws and beaks, and that that's how intensely they felt about each other. but who knows!!! ahaha  
> -sorry if they get a bit too sappy at times... i just... want them to be happy and in love...  
> -let me know if there's any issues I didn't handle well, particularly the Henry Cheng stuff. I didn't want to just leave it the way it was in the books, because that was shitty, but I don't know if I botched it here or anything  
> -how I turned three sentences from the book into like ten billion words... I apologize for the excess of detail  
> -the title is from "Flaws" by Bombay Bicycle Club
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment to let me know what you think. I'm also on Tumblr at arielmagicesi and on Twitter at @ArielKalati if you want to hit me up there.


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